Below is Gerry's Premiership football betting preview for the weekend fixtures Sat 9th & Sun 10th April 2005.
The views expressed are solely those of the author.
William Shakespeare famously wrote, "A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! Little did Willy know that his prophecy would one day be fulfilled. Charles would have been better off reading the work of another great writer who famously penned, "Why buy the cow, when the milk is free?"
But unlike the royal family, marriage is a great institution and I can see the couple having a very happy future together, as they both appear to be very much in love with him. Super Soccer have created 20 Royal Wedding specials, in honour of the Country's 13th favourite royal.
"Charlie's Angel" - Juan Pablo Angel to score a hat-trick 16/1
"Camara Parlour Scholes" - Henri Camara, Ray Parlour and Paul Scholes all to score 80/1
"The Royal Family" - Ledley King and Nathan Ellington both to score 33/1
"The Royal Heading" - Ledley King to score with a header 33/1
"The Blushing Bride" - Brian McBride to be booked 7/1
"All ears" - Earnshaw and Shearer both to score 7/1
"Ear, comes the Bride" - Brian McBride to score two or more goals 12/1
"Ear's Johnny" - John Terry to score the first goal 14/1
"Ears Juan I prepared earlier" - Shearer, Earnshaw and Angel all to score 20/1
"Ears two you" - Alan Shearer to score two or more goals 7/1
"They've had their knockers" - Heskey and Fowler both to score 12/1
"Going Down" - Norwich, Crystal Palace and West Brom all to lose 10/3
"Good in the box" - Robbie Fowler to score two or more goals 7/1
"Great head" - Shearer to score with a header 6/1
"On the bridle" - Chelsea to score five or more goals 6/1
"Poor tackle" - John Terry to be booked 11/4
"Take a spanking" - Man Utd to score five or more goals 11/1
"An amazing climax" - Newcastle to win from behind 14/1
"My big fat Greek Wedding" - Rooney and Stelios both to score 9/2
"It'll never last" - Birmingham to be winning at half time 8/1
It's not surprising that Chas and Cam chose the weekend of the Grand National to become man and wife, as there are definite similarities between the two events. Both have participants with plenty of form, an old mare will receive a bit and there will definitely be a German entry. The following 20 Grand National related specials are all available at Super Soccer.
"A photo finish" - Henri Camara to score two or more goals 9/1
"A Short Head" - Craig Short to score with a header 40/1
"He's not got the trip" - Heskey to be booked for diving 20/1
"Red Rumble" - Man Utd to have a player sent off 10/1
"Stewart's Enquiry" - Downing to be booked for dissent 66/1
"The Biz, Mark" - Mark Fish to score two or more goals 66/1
"The one trick pony" - Ronaldo to score two or more goals 9/1
"Three Furlongs" - Paul Furlong to score a hat-trick 40/1
"Experienced Rider" - Wayne Rooney to score two or more goals 7/2
"Over Round Book" - Wayne Rooney to be booked 9/4
"Coarse Specialist" - Wayne Rooney to be booked for dissent 10/1
"Horses, Four Courses" - Van Nistelrooy and Rooney both to score 3/1
"Only fools and horses" - Savage and Van Nistelrooy both to score 9/1
"Put the card before the horse" - Van Nistelrooy to be booked 7/2
"Straight from the horse's mouth" - Van Nistelrooy to be booked for dissent 20/1
"The Horse has bolted" - Van Nistelrooy to be sent off 66/1
"Why the long face" - Van Nistelrooy not to score 5/6
"On a high horse" - Van Nistelrooy to score with a header 5/1
"Rocking Horse" - Van Nistelrooy to score two or more goals 10/3
"Neigh problem" - Van Nistelrooy to score a hat-trick 12/1
The National is usually won by a horse with a topical name, so after failing in my search for a horse called "Villa put five past Albion" I can confidently narrow the field down to Clan Royal or Forest Gunner; have a win on each, and a little reverse forecast.
Spooky coincidence of the week:
After the Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer ruck last week, I thought I'd see if any anagrams could be made from the two player's names. Imagine my surprise as I discovered you could spell out "Two idiots fight on pitch" if only you had a completely different set of letters.
Cliché watch: (Inspired by Rafael Benitez)
What they say: "We can beat anyone."
What they mean: "Juve are gonna hammer us in the 2nd leg."
Lesson of this week: If Lee Bowyer makes a good run, you play him in.
Quote of the week match betting: "Why didn't you pass it to me, you f****** c***."
1/10 Lee Bowyer (After Kieron Dyer wasted possession.)
5/1 Delia Smith (After a waiter walked past with a bottle of wine.)
Straight to the Punt:
Southampton: Take advantage of 3/1 about the Saints beating Blackburn. Like Crouchy; it's simply too big.
Southampton, Chelsea, Arsenal, Aston Villa, Tottenham
The five fold pays over 30/1.
Blackburn v Southampton Saturday 9th April 15.00
Blackburn 11/10 BET 365
Draw 9/4 Skybet
Get on: Southampton
Southampton's charge towards Premiership safety looks set to continue. The Saints will win 2-1 if Savage doesn't play, 3-1 if he does.
Match Special: Southampton to win 2-1 14/1 @ Skybet
Bolton v Fulham Saturday 9th April 15.00
Draw 5/2 Boylesports
Fulham 4/1 Skybet
Get on: Bolton
Fulham have lost their previous four on the road; they should really play on grass. Home win.
Match Special: Bolton to score four or more goals 7/1 @ Betfred
Chelsea v Birmingham Saturday 9th April 15.00
Chelsea 1/4 BET 365
Draw 9/2 Bet Direct
Birmingham 14/1 Boylesports
Get on: Chelsea
Chelsea have won their last six matches, City have lost their last six away from home. Chelsea's reserves recently spanked Birmingham's first team in the F.A Cup; it's just too close to call. At a push, home win.
Match Special: Chelsea to score four or more goals 11/5 @ Betfred
Man City v Liverpool Saturday 9th April 15.00
Man City 15/8 Totesport
Draw 9/4 Stanleybet
Liverpool 6/4 Ladbrokes
Get on: Draw
City have yet to record a victory under Psycho, Liverpool will keep that stat rolling and steal a point.
Match Special: Fowler to score the first goal 7/1 @ BET 365
Middlesbrough v Arsenal Saturday 9th April 15.00
Draw 5/2 Boylesports
Arsenal 4/5 Totesport
Get on: Arsenal
After finally winning a match, the Boro now face Arsenal. That's put an end to that.
Match Special: Arsenal to score in both halves 7/4 @ Betfred
Portsmouth v Charlton Saturday 9th April 15.00
Portsmouth 7/5 Totesport
Draw 9/4 Skybet
Charlton 2/1 BET 365
Get on: Charlton
One point from six matches says it all. Pompey are awful, and are going down.
Match Special: Charlton to keep a clean sheet 15/8 @ Betfred
Norwich v Man Utd Saturday 9th April 17.15 Live on P.P.V.
Norwich 7/1 Boylesports
Draw 10/3 Bet Direct
Man Utd 4/9 BET 365
Get on: Man Utd
You've lost five matches on the bounce, you're 1/500 for relegation and you're playing Man U next. Bye Bye Norwich.
Match Special: Man Utd to score a penalty 6/1 @ Betfred
Aston Villa v West Brom Sunday 10th April 12.00
Aston Villa 10/11 Coral
Draw 12/5 Sportingbet
West Brom 4/1 Stan James
Get on: Aston Villa
The Baggies will quickly boing boing back down to Earth as the Villa put five past them.
Match Special: Villa to win 5-0 100/1 @ Coral
Everton v Crystal Palace Sunday 10th April 15.00
Everton 4/6 Stanleybet
Draw 5/2 Coral
Crystal Palace 5/1 Skybet
Get on: Everton
It's now five defeats in their last six games, including a shocking defeat against the struggling West Brom. Will things get worse for Everton? No.
Match Special: Everton to win from behind 7/1 @ Betfred
Tottenham v Newcastle Sunday 10th April 16.05 Live on Sky
Tottenham 6/5 Bet Direct
Draw 23/10 Sportingbet
Get on: Tottenham
The Geordies would have walked this before Lee Bowyer emphasised the importance of ball retention to Kieron Dyer, they'll now leave with nothing.
Match Special: Newcastle to have a player sent off 8/1 @ Betfred