Below is Gerry's FA Cup football betting preview for the weekend Sat 10th to Sun 11th March 2007.
The views expressed are solely those of the author.
There are two things in life that Ill never really understand; bigamy, and the mechanics of a bra. The wife finds my ineptness hilarious, she was rolling on the floor last night as I struggled with a multitude of hooks; I should really have passed her the valium. For me, that was the least amusing moment of my life, and Ive met Tim Lovejoy.
Whenever I feel depressed, I find the quotes of Ian Holloway are always therapeutic. The great man has been responsible for more quality lines than Pete Doherty. The Plymouth managers mirth masks an underlying intelligence, like a beauty queen dying her hair ginger to fend off an unwanted suitor. I refuse to underestimate the modern day Socrates; Im piling into Plymouth at 17/10 to knock out Watford.
The last time Middlesbrough met Manchester United, Gareth Southgate was quick to condemn Ronaldos propensity to greet the turf like a long lost relative. Sir Alex was equally unequivocal in his counter, labelling the novice manager naïve, which as far as im aware, is not even a real word. There are an abundance of words that adequately sum up the 3/4 for another Manchester United win, Ive settled for pulchritudinous. It would not surprise me in the slightest if the contentious Ronaldo opened the scoring at 7/1. The orange winger is currently so hot; it would take a whole tub of Canesten to cool him down.
Chelseas grip on the Premiership has been loosened by the often maligned John OShea. Frank Lampard found it particularly ironic, as most of his goals have been assisted by Johns lesser known brother, Rick. Ive had a pop at Lamps in the past, but I must praise him for defending Adebayor in the aftermath of the Carling Cup. Im not sure I believe his claim that he was never smacked; something must have given him the munchies. Ill be taking the family out for a slap-up meal if Chelsea beat Tottenham at 4/9; they can even go large. Jose Mourinho should steer clear of the card tables. The Special One looked completely bewildered as Shevchenko missed another sitter last week; the only way the Chelsea manager would ever win at poker is if he played the West Ham lads. A bet on Lampard to net the opener at 13/2 is the equivalent of getting your hands on a big pair.
Blackburn host Manchester City in a tie that has home win written all over it. The Rovers have already hammered Psychos gang twice this season; the odds of 19/20 would need to be lying seductively on a couch wearing a Velcro brassiere to be any more appealing. Manchester Citys strike-force is so lightweight, wafer-thin model Kate Moss would be a clear favourite if they were ever to meet in a ruck. Blackburn are 6/5 to keep a clean sheet, dig in.
Im often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you its not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish people. Celtic are on a six match unbeaten run against Rangers; they look a cracking investment at 21/20 to continue their recent outright ownership. Theres a real lesson to be learned here, money earned from an FA Cup match is equal to money gained from park football.
The weekend accer is so inspiring; it makes me believe that one day all men will be free from discrimination, injustice and persecution for trying to lift a bra over a ladys head.
Chelsea, Blackburn, Plymouth and Celtic are the selections, the payout is an ample 12/1.
Middlesbrough v Man Utd Saturday 10th March 17:30 Live on BBC
Man Utd 3/4
Get on: Man Utd
Match Special: Ronaldo to score with a header 8/1
Chelsea v Tottenham Sunday 11th March 12:45 Live on BBC One
Get on: Chelsea
Match Special: Lampard to score from outside the penalty area 4/1
Blackburn v Man City Sunday 11th March 16:00 Live on Sky
Man City 10/3
Get on: Blackburn
Match Special: Blackburn to win and keep a clean sheet 2/1
Plymouth v Watford Sunday 11th March 18:00 Live on BBC One
Get on: Plymouth
Match Special: Plymouth to score three or more goals 11/2
Celtic v Rangers Sunday 11th March 12:30 Live on Setanta
Get on: Celtic
Match Special: Nakamura to score direct from a free kick 8/1