Below is Gerry's Premier League football betting preview for the weekend Sat 15th to Mon 17th September 2007.
The views expressed are solely those of the author.
When it comes to relationships, there is one undeniable truth. It doesnt matter how attractive a girl may be, how delightful her personality or how sparkling her conversation; sooner or later, the bints going to start to grate. As a result, a decline in physical intimacy is a natural consequence. After making sweet music with the same partner for a number of months, its perfectly natural to want to replace the duet with a solo. The female can often sense the male losing interest, and will go to desperate lengths to reignite the spark. The wife asked if there was anything Id like her to do differently in the bedroom; I probably shouldnt have responded with: Tidy it.
After persuading me with a couple of left hooks to take the problem more seriously, I decided to man up and face the consequences. I reluctantly agreed to give roleplaying a whirl, but I was unhappy with her decision to play a tubby Scot. The wife then suggested a ménage à trois, but her only pals who arent alcoholics are the Wong twins, and I cant stand the idea of two women complaining about me to their mother. In the end, we settled on the outdoor frolic. It was just my luck to be nicked on our first attempt. The copper understandably arrested me for flouting public decency, and that was just for letting the wife out of the house.
The evil one has now added S&M to the horrifying mix. Im now lumbered with the female equivalent of Fulham FC; she wants to be spanked away from home every other weekend. Wigan will continue this time-honoured tradition at 6/5.
Astonishingly, games involving Manchester United have produced the fewest number of goals in the Premiership this season. Uniteds lack of firepower has led to Fergie swapping the wine for the whisky; he allegedly had a shot on the rocks on Monday. The 5/2 for a draw between Everton and Manchester United has taken my breath away.
The Arsenal players will be ready to celebrate after the club announced the greatest signing of the season; theyve tied up Arsene Wenger to a long-term deal. If theres a better bet than Arsenal to leave White Hart Lane with three points at 13/8, it must be hiding with Bin Laden.
Portsmouth will soon be in the Michael Barrymore position, theyre going to seriously regret hosting a Pool party. Liverpool havent conceded a goal from open play this season, the 4/5 is bordering on a gift.
Steve Bruce may look like he should be sitting on a wall outside a mansion, but his strength of character is beyond dispute. Im not sitting on the fence in the Birmingham v Bolton meet; Im on the Blues at 7/5.
Robbie Savage believes a dumb blonde will fly Concorde to the moon before John Toshack takes Wales to a World Cup. I agree that Toshack faces an uphill task, but the odds have improved dramatically since he dumped the deadwood on his arrival. Im whinging like a little girl about only receiving 2/5 for a Chelsea win over Blackburn.
Middlesbroughs recent record at Upton Park is shabbier than Britney Spears; theyve been absolutely hammered on their last five visits. Im happier than Frank Lampard at an all you can eat buffet with the even money for another West Ham win.
Thaksin Shinawatra is like Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies, hes worried about an oriental fellow sneaking up on him and banging him up. The 9/4 for a draw between Manchester City and Aston Villa is beyond reproach.
You cant expect to stay in the Premiership if youre leaking goals, and Derby have the flimsiest defence since Kate McCann. Nobody is questioning the 10/11 for a Newcastle win at Pride Park.
With the exception of Craig Gordon, the Sunderland squad looks incredibly weak. It takes a skilled horticulturist to grow roses using manure, and I havent seen Roy Keane with a wheelbarrow since he signed his last contract at Manchester United. Reading look a great shout at 9/4 to leave the Stadium of Light with a point.
Accer of the week:
The wife has bought an adult DVD in another misguided attempt to rejuvenate my flagging libido.
Im praying that the weekend accer of Arsenal, West Ham, Chelsea and Newcastle obliges at 12/1, as i need a good excuse to avoid an hour and a half of unviewable filth. Theres a real chance it might be The Best of Jim Davidson.
Everton v Man Utd Saturday 15th September 12:00
Man Utd 5/6
Get on: Draw
Match Special: No goalscorer in the match 10/1
Portsmouth v Liverpool Saturday 15th September 12:45 Live on Sky
Get on: Liverpool
Match Special: Liverpool to score three or more goals 7/2
Tottenham v Arsenal Saturday 15th September 13:30
Get on: Arsenal
Match Special: Eduardo to score the last goal 13/2
Birmingham v Bolton Saturday 15th September 15:00
Get on: Birmingham
Match Special: Kapo to score the only goal of the game 45/1
Sunderland v Reading Saturday 15th September 15:00
Get on: Draw
Match Special: Doyle to score in a 1-1 draw 20/1
West Ham v Middlesbrough Saturday 15th September 15:00
West Ham Evs
Get on: West Ham
Match Special: Bellamy to score at any time 15/8
Wigan v Fulham Saturday 15th September 15:00
Get on: Wigan
Match Special: Heskey to score in a 2-0 Wigan win 18/1
Chelsea v Blackburn Saturday 15th September 17:15 Live on Setanta
Get on: Chelsea
Match Special: John Terry to score with a header 9/1
Man City v Aston Villa Sunday 16th September 16:00 Live on Sky
Man City 11/8
Aston Villa 23/10
Get on: Draw
Match Special: Match to finish 0-0 or 1-1 3/1
Derby v Newcastle Monday 17th September 20:00 Live on Setanta
Get on: Newcastle
Match Special: Michael Owen to score two or more goals 6/1